Lesson 3: Prune for Clarity
Introduction to Pruning
By “pruning” I mean cutting all those inflated phrases and unnecessary words that clutter professional writing. I’m not talking about jargon, precisely, because jargon is sometimes good, as we’ll discuss in the next lesson. But what I’m calling unnecessary is always bad.
Unnecessary words and phrases fall into three primary categories:
- Unnecessarily long or fancy words
- Unnecessary prepositional phrases
- Unnecessary repetitions
Here’s a sentence suffering from all three types:
Due to the fact that the compressor ceased functioning prior to our completion of the work project, we informed the contracting party at that point in time that unless he agreed to convey a functioning compressor to our job site free of additional charge or cost to us, our contract with him would be rendered null and void.
Trim extraneous, repetitive words, and you get a much shorter, clearer sentence:
Since the compressor broke down before we finished the job, we told the contractor to bring us another one, at no extra cost, or we’d cancel our contract with him.
Guides to Prune Your Own Writing
Your own prose is probably not this bloated, but if you look for it, you’ll find words and phrases to cut. You’ve probably seen unnecessary wording in professional writing and may have gotten the impression that it sounds sophisticated. Don’t believe it. Prune it.
Table 1: List of equivalent words
Review the following list to remind yourself that the English language has equivalents to most words. In the world of work, where you must make decisions and perform tasks throughout your busy day, which words would you rather see in a letter, specification, proposal, or report?
| Unnecessarily long or fancy | Equivalent |
|---|---|
| aggregate (noun) | sum |
| approximately | about |
| ascertain | find out, learn |
| construct (verb) | build |
| deleterious | harmful |
| demonstrate | show |
| effectuate | do, cause |
| encounter | find |
| endeavor (verb) | try |
| equivalent | equal |
| facilitate | help |
| forward | send |
| initial (noun) | first |
| initiate | start |
| modification | change |
| occasion (verb) | cause |
| optimum | best |
| procure get | get |
| purchase (verb) | buy |
| regarding | about |
| reimburse | repay |
| sufficient | enough |
| terminate | stop |
| transmit | send |
| utilize | use |
Table 2: List for equivalent phrases
Here’s a list of the sort of phrases you should trim from prose, followed by shorter, crisper equivalents
| Unnecessarily Long | Equivalent |
|---|---|
| along the lines of | like |
| as of this date | today |
| at all times | always |
| at the present time | now |
| at this point in time | now |
| become cognizant | know, learn, find, realize |
| by means of | by |
| due to the fact that | because, since |
| during the same time that | while |
| for the purpose of | for, to |
| for the reason that | because, since |
| has a tendency to break | fragile |
| in a number of cases | sometimes, at times |
| in a position to | can, be able |
| in a satisfactory manner | satisfactorily, well |
| in order to | to |
| in possession of | have, has |
| in spite of the fact that | although, even though |
| in the event that | if |
| in the nature of | like |
| in the near future | soon |
| in view of the fact that | because, since |
| is of the opinion that | thinks, believes |
| it is our opinion | we think, believe |
| located in the vicinity of | near |
| on the basis of | by |
| on the part of | for |
| owing to the fact that | because, since |
| prior to | before |
| prior to the start of | before |
| subsequent to | after |
| subsequent to the start of | after |
| under date of | on |
| until such time as | until |
| we are in receipt of | we have |
| we would appreciate | please |
I’m not saying that you should never use any of these phrases or words. However, the English language would be better off if some of them were to drop off the edge of the world. Scan your draft and cut way down on them.
Practice, Lesson 3: Prune for Clarity
Enter your revision in the box below each exercise. Click the “>” below each box to see Dr. Hirst’s revision.
Exercise 1: Prune Unnecessary Words
The sentences below contain one or more words that need revision. Type revised sentences using simpler, shorter, more direct words—but don’t change the basic meaning of the sentence. There is no single “correct” revision, but odds are that both your revision and mine improve the original.
1. We will initiate the contest today.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
We start the contest today.
2. The company constructed the machine.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
The company built the machine.
3. I endeavored to demonstrate the solution.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
I tried to show the solution.
4. The modifications we have effectuated will facilitate operations.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
The changes we have made will help operations.
5. We will terminate the experiments in approximately one week.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
We will stop the tests in about a week.
Exercise 2: Prune Phrases
In this exercise, you’re looking for unnecessary phrases, not just individual words.
Again, type revised sentences using simpler, shorter, more direct expressions—but don’t change the basic meaning of the sentence. After you’ve tried your own revision, click on the “>” to see Dr. Hirst’s revision. There is no single “correct” revision.
And don’t be hoodwinked into believing these long phrases are sophisticated. The leaner sentences you’ll write are more sophisticated.
1. Due to the fact that he was late, he was required to put in another appearance later that day.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Since he was late, he had to show up again later that day.
2. We are in a position to resupply you with widgets in the event that your existing supply becomes exhausted.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
We can resupply you if you run out of widgets.
3. Some managers are of the opinion that employees should not use computers in order to view entertainment sites on the Internet while in an employment setting.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Some managers think employees shouldn’t use the Internet for entertainment at work.
4. Subsequent to the time that we held our conversation regarding company objectives, I calculated that we needed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty-five million dollars in order to have the ability to compete with ACME.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
After we talked about company goals, I calculated that we need about $25 million dollars to compete with ACME.
5. We would appreciate your transferring to us an Internet information technology professional who has the ability to create World Wide Web sites that do not involve too much expense.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Please send us a webmaster who can make inexpensive sites.
Exercise 3: Prune Repetitions
Unnecessary repetitions are one of the most annoying but easiest to prune. Granted, it’s a fine idea to repeat things when doing so will really help your reader. But sometimes, writers repeat ideas that don’t need repeating. See how fast you can spot the needless repetitions in the sentences below. Type your revision, then check the suggested revision.
1. We must cooperate together to discover the true facts.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
We must cooperate to discover the facts.
2. He connected together all the components that were small in size, cylindrical in shape, and silver in color.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
He connected all the components that were small, cylindrical, and silver.
3. The committee agreed that advance planning had been key in each and every one of their successes.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
The committee agreed that planning had been key in each of their successes.
4. At 9:45 a.m. this morning, leaders asked themselves the question: “Do we have an absolutely complete consensus on this issue?”
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
At 9:45 this morning leaders asked themselves, “Do we have a consensus on this issue?”
5. If in this day and age, most every man, woman, and child knows the basic essentials of computer utilization and application, the reason is because it is taught and inculcated in the public schools for the entire populace.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
If today everyone knows the basics of computer use, it’s because the subject is taught in public schools.
Exercise 4: Prune
Cut all unnecessary words, phrases, and repetitions from the following sentences. Your answer will vary from the suggested answers; that’s okay!
1. Until such time as we are in possession of more information, we will be unable to offer a satisfactory reply to your inquiry.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Until we know more, we cannot answer your question.
2. We are unable to provide you with access to computerized laboratories in view of the fact that you are not in possession of personal identification.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
We can’t let you into the computer labs because you don’t have I.D.
3. Until such time as our company changes this policy, we are not in a position to supply information for the purpose of aiding your investigation of other companies.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Until our policy changes, we can’t help you investigate other companies.
4. In the event that employees fail to utilize the requisite safety precautions, our optimum course is to transmit this information to OSHA and request directives before deleterious effects ensue.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
If workers won’t obey safety rules, let’s tell OSHA and ask them what to do–before someone gets hurt.
5. People renting our apartment units are concerned about whether we would provide for replacements of damaged personal property in the event of accidental discharge of the sprinkling system in the apartment complex.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
Our tenants want to know if we would replace their possessions if the apartment sprinklers accidentally turn on.
Exercise 5: Final Challenge
Now try your hand at trimming an entire paragraph:
Subsequent to my conversation with Mr. Jones via telephone, the physician at the hospital where Mr. Jones is hospitalized indicated that Mr. Jones has an enlarged kidney and must undergo immediate surgery if a cure is to be effectuated. Due to the fact that Mr. Jones did not become cognizant of the nature of his particular disease and affliction until such time as he had been examined by the physician, he tended to make the exactly the same mistakes day after day, week after week. When he returns from the hospitalization experience, Mr. Jones assures us at this point in time, he will address his diet in a serious manner and eat health-promoting foods for the purpose of regaining his customary strength and vigor.
> Open to see Dr. Hirst’s sample response.
After Mr. Jones and I talked over the phone, Jones’ doctor said that Jones has an enlarged kidney and needs surgery right away. Since Jones hadn’t known there was anything wrong with his kidneys until the doctor examined him, he’d made the same mistakes continually. When he gets back from the hospital, Jones now assures us, he’ll eat foods that will help him regain his health.
Return to Professional Writing Style: 12 Tutorials main page