Professional Writing Style: 12 Tutorials–Lesson 9 | Judith Anderson Herbert Writing Center

Created by Dr. Russel Hirst, Professor Emeritus, The University of Tennessee, Knoxville, rkh@utk.edu

Lesson 9: Choose Words Carefully

Introduction

This unit bolsters the units on pruning words and reducing jargon. In those units, we focused on economy and simplicity of expression. As we’ve seen, when writers reduce the length and difficulty of their words and phrases–without harming meaning–they create better sentences. When they do those things and increase the precision, vividness, beauty, and force of their words, they create even better sentences. But remember, the right word or phrase is not always the shortest word or phrase. For example, the more precise expression sometimes requires more words than the less precise one. That doesn’t mean we can let unnecessary words or jargon back into our sentences; on the contrary. It means finding the right words. Let’s first consider precision in professional writing.

Precision with Nouns

Technical/professional communication must be precise. Everyone understands this as it applies to mathematical quantities; if the formula calls for .86 milliliters of X, then by George the tech writer better write .86 milliliters and not change it to one milliliter. In fact, we understand the need for precision in relation to just about anything quantified or measured. But we sometimes get lax about naming objects and actions precisely.

For example, you’ve heard of the Ladder of Abstraction. If we call the high end of the ladder the Very Abstract or General End and the low end the Concrete or Specific One, we might arrange a series of classifications on it like this:

Transportation

Motorized transportation

Motorized aircraft

Commercial motorized aircraft

Commercial prop planes

Commercial twin engine prop planes

Piper 1200 Twin Engine prop planes

Piper 1200 Twin Engine Deluxe prop planes

The Piper 1200 Twin Engine Deluxe prop plane that ACME Corporation uses for flying guests to its vacation island

So, if we stay at the high end of abstraction and use only the general concept of “Transportation,” we can write:

ACME Corporation will transport guests to the vacation island.

But moving towards more specific noun identification, we can provide potential guests a more concrete sense of what they’re in for. We can write:

ACME Corporation will fly guests to the vacation island on its Deluxe Piper 1200 Twin-Engine Prop Plane.

Same idea, expressed more concretely.

Or perhaps, if we’d like to reduce the number of prepositional phrases:

ACME’s Deluxe Piper 1200 Twin-Engine Prop Plane will fly you to the vacation island.

At this point, we may want to add that the Piper will “fly you in comfort to the vacation island.” Hmm, not very specific. How about, “will pamper you with champagne, peeled jumbo shrimp, and filet mignon as you streak towards our sun-baked, white-sand, bikini-dotted island”? Ah. I believe you’ve convinced me to sign on with ACME.

I’m not saying that you’ll want to come all the way down the ladder for every idea in your sentence; that would be absurd… but you should come down for some key terms.

Precision with Verbs

The Ladder of Abstraction applies mostly to nouns and noun phrases, but you’ll notice I also tinkered with verbs and adverbs in some of those sentences. “Examine closely” is more precise than “look.” Don’t neglect verbs when you edit for precision and impact.

For example, you want to make the best possible impression on the person who may be reading your resume. In particular, you want to leave that person with a strong impression that you’ve done really important things. So your choice of verbs is particularly important. Which of these sentences leaves a more precise, vivid impression?

I found new employees and helped them learn.

2. I selectively recruited and then thoroughly trained new employees.

The second sentence leaves a stronger impression, not simply because I’ve made it a bit shorter and used parallel form (though those things are a factor), but mostly by virtue of its more vivid verbs / verb phrases.

Here FYI are some verbs you may want to use in your resume:

adjusted directed mixed received

administered dispensed monitored recorded

advised distributed moved recruited

analyzed documented negotiated reduced

announced drafted obtained referred

arranged eliminated operated removed

assembled engineered ordered replenished

assisted evaluated organized represented

audited examined oversaw reviewed

calculated expanded packed routed

charted filled performed satisfied

checked hauled planned scheduled

collected identified phoned separated

communicated illustrated posted served

completed implemented prepared selected

coordinated improved prescribed sorted

conducted increased presented studied

constructed installed printed supervised

consulted instituted priced supplied

controlled interviewed processed taught

corresponded invented produced tested

counted labeled programmed trained

created lectured promoted translated

delivered lifted protected typed

designed loaded provided unloaded

detected logged published verified

determined maintained pulled wrote

developed manufactured purchased wheeled

So, coming down the ladder of abstraction, with nouns and even with verbs, helps us to be more specific—and therefore more precise, interesting, and memorable. That’s one dimension of choosing the right words. Another concern in choosing the right words is simply to be correct.

Correctness

Don’t say one thing when you mean another. If you write in a memo, “We’ve decided to except your offer,” the deal is off. If your organization wanted to take that offer, you should have written, “We’ve decided to accept your offer.” Maybe you wouldn’t have made that particular mistake, but have you ever been guilty of making such a mistake?

In the professional world, words should be correct and precise. If you also follow my advice in the other units, your words will also be well adjusted to your audience, hang together well, and appear in the right order.

But now let’s ask a “final” question about the right words in government, industry, and business. Should those words even be imaginative—colorful, perhaps metaphorical —like in “creative writing”? The question, framed this way, answers itself. Of course they should, wherever appropriate. We’ll later address appropriateness. For now, let’s look at the use of imaginative language in professional communication.

Imagination

Have you ever heard of an A-frame house? C-clamp? I-beam? O-ring? Sure you have. Ever stop to think that those are metaphors, and that they are being used in the world of business and technology? The ones I’ve mentioned happen to be visual metaphors based on letters of the alphabet, the object taking its name from its similarity to a letter shape.

Can you think of branches of science that make use of imaginative language? How about botany? Ever seen Dutchman’s Breeches, Lady’s Slipper, Shooting Star, or Jack-in-the-Pulpit? All names based on an imaginative similarity between a flower and some other object.

We have a long tradition of this, and it’s not limited to “popular” names. For example, an “ovate” leaf is egg shaped and a “serrate” one has sawtooth edges. Both words are Latinate. Another category of imaginative scientific nomenclature comes from references to classical mythology (Achilles tendon, morphine, hygiene, iris—from the hero’s vulnerable heel, the god of dreams, the goddess of health, and the rainbow goddess).

Science and technology are full of such imaginative, metaphorical nomenclature. So on one level, your question—“Should I use imaginative language in professional communication?”—is already answered. You must use it, certainly in the sense of using terms that are common parlance in medicine, botany, theoretical physics, computer science, and so on.

When you use such terms, you aren’t inventing anything new. But you should take your lead from all those folks who invented the metaphorical language we now so commonly. That is, when metaphor or other kinds of colorful description will help you better communicate with your audience: use it!

For example, here’s an excerpt from a set of instructions, written once without metaphorical help, and once with metaphor. Which do you find more helpful?

Applying Trim to Canoe Body

Position part 5 along Y axis of canoe bow and insert extension A of part 5 into slot 9.

or

Snug the ladle-shaped “nose protector” over the canoe’s nose and slide its handle into the groove running down the nose.

I don’t know about you, but I much prefer the second sentence. It makes my mental effort easier as I trim out that canoe. The metaphorical descriptions (and more precise verbs) allow me to visualize my task much better than do the abstract designations (and less precise verbs) of the first sentence.

That’s one of the pillars of good professional writing, remember: you must do the hard work of writing well so that your reader’s job is easier. Conserve your reader’s mental energy.

If you think any such metaphors might be obscure or misleading to your reader, you might need to expand/clarify a bit. But generally, readers in the world of work welcome well-handled imaginative language.

Practice, Lesson 9: Choose Words Carefully

Enter your revision in the box below each exercise. Click the “>” below each box to see Dr. Hirst’s revision.

Exercise 1: Develop Precision

Rewrite these sentences, coming down the ladder of abstraction for the boldfaced words. That is, make each sentence more precise. This will usually require more words than the original. But this is fine: we don’t want obscurity; we want the virtue of brevitas.

Click on my answer only after trying your own. Our answers might vary widely, but both should both increase the level of specificity for the bolded words.

1. Adjust all holes and edges to remove any irregularities.